I can see you through the crack in the door, lying on the bed with a DVD case in your hand; you’re waiting for me to come back, but I don’t know what to say to you – I don’t know what to do... In this, at least, I’m an amateur. I smile, trying to ignore the butterflies in my stomach. You’d laugh at me, if you saw me like this, make some joke about how for once in my life, I’m scared...how for once in my life, I don’t know what to do. Because I’m completely clueless about what it is that I’m doing –
- Truly, baby. Help me?
But you can’t, because you don’t know yet. I haven’t told you my secret, and I don’t know if I can; if I could be sure of your reaction, then I’d be with you right now, sharing with you, explaining to you exactly what’s happened. But I am so very scared of losing you. I know I need to tell you – I have to. But I’m not used to being frightened or unsure; I usually have you with me, going through exactly the same, and keeping me strong.
But you can’t, not this time... You still don’t know.
I push the door open; you look up, you smile. I’m shaking but I hope you can’t see; I’m twenty-seven years old, and I haven’t been afraid of anything bar losing you since we met, in that other place – our place – across that stretch of water.
“Heyy, you took your time gorgeous,” you murmur as I cuddle up next to you and you kiss me. You start talking about the movie we’re going to watch, something horrific dreamed up from the depths of hell about aliens and blood and massacre. I’m not really listening; I hear the sound of your voice, but I cannot distinguish the words. I’m just waiting for them to stop so I can tell you.
The silence comes, eventually. My face is close to yours, our hands entwined as I look into those eyes, just as they begin to process that I’m not going to answer whatever question it is that you asked. You look puzzled – can you read what I want to tell you from my face? Please, lift it from my expression...I’m scared of saying it.
I move back a little as the silence envelops us... my hands are hot in yours. They betray me, can you feel? Can you tell I’m scared?
I take one of those hands, hands that are that little bit bigger than my own, and guide it to my body, resting on my tummy. You look at me, beginning to understand.
I’m pregnant, and you’re going to be a daddy.
If I’d been scared of your reaction... nervous about how you’d take the news, bear my secret... I had underestimated you, because that night, I had never been so loved.
No. We, had never been so loved – me, and our baby.
*I decided that I should write something a little more cheerful :) I hope you all like! Personally, this makes me go awww :) *
